from the beginning, journey to self love.
Write Your Story, from the Beginning….I keep hearing this from various sources. So, i am going to give it a go. If we go all the way back....way back....we find me safe and cozy in the womb. Transverse Reverse with the cord around my neck. From what i understand, this means i was doing a back-bend, hands and feet 1st posed for journey down the birth canal. Rare positioning, some might even say dramatic and complicated. They may still use my case as a training for medical students. You are most welcome. As a side note, if you have never asked your loved ones the story of your birth...take the time to ask and hear the tale of how you came to enter this world, through the experience of those who love you. Beautiful opportunity to learn your story.
Not to fast forward through my developmental years, but this is a blog, not a book....I had a wonderful family life growing up and the most beautiful, hard working, generous parents and siblings. There was nothing in the chapters of this lifetime that would instigate or bring causality in the choices I would make later on.
One of my most cherished and adored friends gifted me a book, 'Many Lives Many Masters,’ and this book helped me figure out where my depression, anxiety and self-loathing originated from….turns out the cause of these conditions did not have an origin in this lifetime, of that I am most certain!
Growing up if you ask anyone who knew me....they would say I was very in touch with my emotions. Display of emotion is typically classified as a weakness, but wait....turns out feeling and expression of emotion is one of my super powers!! Who knew? Not me, not for a long time. As the youngest of four girls in our family, with a 5 year gap between myself and my next oldest sibling, I had gained the benefit of the ‘youngest child’ and privilege of mostly adult socialization. As a young one I never had to articulate myself, as my sisters would know exactly what I need.... by just a look on my face. True story. Imagine how I thought maybe everyone would be able to anticipate my needs the way my sisters did. Wrong. I was going to have to find my voice and articulate with great clarity...it would take some time and focused energy. I am very fortunate indeed. My parents did everything to provide an exceptional life for their children, I could not have asked for better parents. I know they knew I was making a mistake marring the man I did, everyone knew….including me.
The day of my wedding, while standing at the back of the church, waiting for the music to que up for my grand entrance, my mind was on a hamster wheel spinning. I heard a voice in my head that said, ‘can you picture yourself growing old with this man?' More on that voice later.
This story is being shared, not for me, I have healed these wounds. The story is for those who are living through something similar....or have moved on from it and continue to feel the sting. I hope that these words give you a feeling of strength and safety now; you are NEVER alone, not ever. There is a tapestry of unseen support custom made just for you, all that is required to tap into this support is that you ask, believe and be open.
Not to ruin the punch line but I married a man that was verbally abusive. Well, mostly the abuse was verbal….every now and again it was physical. Never left any scars…not the kind you can see with your eyes anyway. The verbal abuse would come to be pinnacle to my personal growth, development and daily struggle to love myself. This journey would be long and often feel like ground hogs day, with mild variations in the geography and leading men....but I always had the starring role, I just didn’t know it. In my past it was common for me to feel like the world and life events were ‘happening to me,’ (verses being a co-creator of the life I wanted, the life I deserved). The plot twist would be redefining my understanding of ‘love’ and allowing the divine to enter my life and fill it with light.
I give gratitude to the days, months and nearly two years of an abusive married life. The time spent was a small blip on the radar and scope of what would become my story. The minutes, hours and days spent in this marriage were mostly forgettable but the education in love and compassion, priceless. It turns out this was a part of my journey to finding and loving who I never knew I always was….waiting to be unzipped and set free.
It doesn’t take long when submerged in an abusive relationship too start hurling inappropriate and heinous insults at yourself. Why not? You start to believe the story heard day in and day out, sometimes in heated exchanges and most of the time in subtle jabs that go straight to the core of your being. Eating away at any shred of self-esteem that has survived the daily programming, embarrassment and isolation. You’re a fat, stupid, lazy whore….no need to belabor the extent of the vulgarity used to keep the abused small, those who suffer it understand. Sometimes the abuser doesn’t use vulgar words, a few back handed compliments will work just fine to keep you uncertain and unstable. It isn’t necessarily the words used it is the intent behind the words and the way they leave you feeling….about yourself. When you are immersed in this type of ‘relationship’ you cannot see anything clearly. By the way, I will periodically put words in quotes when I think there should be criteria in order to use them. A real ‘relationship’ isn’t filled with doubt, questioning, control and drama. In order to use the word ‘relationship’ properly two people involved should be relating to one another in a positive way most of the time, or at least in the definition that I believe in and wish to create for my life partnership.
The best way to describe the days in the life of my abuse dynamic is like a jerky, clattering, rickety bull$hit rollercoaster ride. Highest highs and lowest lows. The type of person who is the abuser in a ‘relationship’ has crafted the art of manipulation over a lifetime. They learn to isolate the object of their affection, alienate them from friends and family…and oh yes demean you with wild accusations of every kind. Your abuser doesn't love themselves, and drum roll.....you aren't loving yourself properly either my love.
I never ventured out on fact finding mission to count the number of woman or instances of infidelity, I didn’t care. I do know one of the affairs was my next door neighbor. Shocking, I know…but not really. I did not want to be touched, so if sleeping with other women kept his hands off of my body, it was a win-win. At a certain point even the thought of physical intimacy with my husband made me physically ill….it was a subtle sign. Lol. This scenario might not resonate with you…maybe you are staying for the hot sex you are having with your abuser….good luck with that. Been there too….what I will say is that I know you deserve better. Having to suffer abuse by day for great sex by night is selling yourself short dear one.....for a high that would equate to the rush from a drug. How does it feel to come down from that high? Not too good, eh?
Another spoiler alert, none of the abuse is bout you….it is all about them. They might as well be talking to themselves with the insults and curse words as a clear sign of the inability to muster any love for themselves. They may display cocky behavior, walking around like a peacock waiting for someone to notice them and fill the void inside from the outside…but they are in pain, inside out and bones to skin.
Eventually an epiphany took place for me. I still remember sitting in my office and being overwhelmed with compassion for those who lash out at others in fear. Everything just clicked in a moment after years and years of abuse, in a flash it hit me. Compassion was to be my answer for anyone who displayed fear (abuser or casual passerby). Not compassion like….I am going to stay in this relationship and get beat down daily. I am talking about the kind of compassion that acknowledges that those who abuse are in great pain/fear. The abuse is the manifestation of deep pain/fear….every abuser is unique and source of pain different…but in the end fear is fear.
What needs to be made perfectly clear is that the verbal assaults aren’t about you my love. The insults are about HOW YOUR ABUSER FEELS ABOUT THEMSELVES. The next time an evil word falls off the lips of your abuser, or anyone in your life who treats you with less than the utmost reverence, know that the words they speak are spells (that is why we call it ‘spelling’) and you are in ultimate control of what will happen. Understand? This is important. So, please lean in closer for this next part, as I am going to whisper the secret key to the life you were intended to live and have always dreamed of! Here it is; nothing outside of you matters, everything...absolutely everything you need is inside of you. It has been there your entire life waiting for you to unzip the costume and let the real you step into the spot light. I am sure throughout your life you have witnessed moments of the real you surface and pressures of society or other influential people may have guided you in a different direction for reasons of practicality, safety, security and certainty. These are all very good things and are important and will keep you ‘safe,’ per say. They may also be leaving you feeling a little unfulfilled and sometimes it will make you feel completely empty inside…..depressed, sad and despondent.
I can remember my husband was mostly a ‘happy drunk,’ life of the party guy. As a newlywed on my honeymoon, I recall a night we went to dinner at the all-inclusive bar/restaurant. He wanted to stay and drink more with strangers, allowing his new wife to walk back to the room by herself. I returned to the room alone. When I woke the next morning, my husband was just getting in and without a word passed out on the bed. I opened the drapes (this was passive aggressive I admit) and left the room for the day.
Then there was the ‘obsessive drunk’ mode, when he would be pace back and forth and insisted that I would ‘outgrow him and leave….” Turns out he was a fairly good predictor of future events. I did in fact outgrow the dreadfully dark, boring, toxic, belligerent and dismal ‘relationship,’ and lived to tell about.
One evening when I was physically abused by my husband I called the police. I recall sitting on the front porch steps in the darkness, feeling; alone, stupid and low. Sensation of desperation while looking at the police….thinking to myself is one of you going to save me from this sad existence? One of the police officers asked me, ‘is there a gun in the home?’ My answer was ‘yes.’ Then he asked, ‘do you want to end up like Nicole Brown Simson?’ The answer was simple, ‘no.’
Back to the moment in the standing at the back of the church, the day of my wedding and that voice i heard in my head.....Up until recently, I had no idea where the voice came from. I have come to learn it was my Higher Self, my inner voice helping provide clarity to what was the one question that I could not say yes to. I could not see myself growing old with this man. My Higher Self knew.
Everything said and done, the failed marriage to an abusive man was part of my journey. To remember who I am, I had to experience who I was not. I was not going to be an abused woman who hates herself, her life and stays small? Or was I learning what I have to offer a partner and what I wanted in a partner? For those of you taking notes, get clear on what you want. I will say it again louder this time, GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU WANT. The list should not look like this; has job, has car, showers with soap and water every day. The list should be explicit, clear and be prepared to get what you ask for or something even better! Be careful too, for example don’t ask for a man that loves so much he is jealous and wants you all to himself. You don’t want that man, if you ask for it is will manifest….trust me. The universe is like a genie in a bottle, set a clear intention of what you want to create, ask, believe and get ready to receive.
You are loved beyond belief and beautiful beyond comprehension. 🙏🏼❤️